YOU NEVER KNOW...

YOU NEVER KNOW...

AN OPEN HEART JOURNAL
MAY 28, 2009 3:30 a.m.
YOU NEVER KNOW...

It's three-thirty in the morning and I have only been able to sleep for about three hours. The hustle and bustle in my room with blood transfusions that ran too late, chest pain, and thinking about what's coming in a few hours are keeping me awake except when I occasionally doze off with the laptop keyboard still under my fingers.

In a few hours I will be undergoing my fourth Left-sided Heart Cath. You would think that this one would be "routine" by now but it isn't. I've been reminded more than once that I am in worse shape this time going in than the past three times. My kidneys are more fragile, I needed two units of blood at the last minute and frankly Dr. Thelman isn't even sure what he's going to run into once he gets in there.

Dr. Thelman is the wonder boy doctor who got seven stents in back in January. He's in his mid-thirties, definitely the most gorgeous doctor I've ever seen and is truly a genius and the most caring doctor I know in his generation. He's not the cocky young doctor who thinks he knows everything but he is more like the doctor who knows more than most doctors his age and those older but cares more for his patients than his own intelligence. I know I'm in good hands.

But still I'm nervous - and a little tearful. Somehow signing the consent form with all the risks (heart attack, kidney failure, bleeding, etc.) was much more daunting this time.

Maybe it's because this journey has just been much harder than even the doctors thought it would be. The disappointment on Dr. Feingold's face Tuesday when I said I just wasn't feeling as well then as a month ago was very apparent and he didn't hesitate to say it. I've been disappointed too.

Maybe the combination of all my "close calls" since last September have added up in my mind and I wonder if I've used up my "nine lives."

Maybe I'm just tired - and I think for good reason. This whole challenge has been one that I just haven't been able to hide, ignore, deny or plow through. Unlike my other illnesses in the past this one has kept me in bed more than out, in the hospital longer than not, feeling more fragile rather than strong. It's been much harder, if not impossible, to "put on my game face" and that's a huge frustration for someone who hates people know just how sick I really am.

But on the other hand this has been the most remarkable journey because I have survived things I never thought I would. I have more incredible people - friends with more depth, maturity and love than I could have imagined. And somehow I've grown.

Even in my admitted weakest times I have been stronger in these past months than ever in my life. And I truly have no regrets.

Are there things I would rather be doing right now - oh you better believe it. And are there things I hope I still get the chance to do in the months to come - oh yea, many.
But I can honestly say that right now, at this moment in my life there is this strange contentment that until today I really didn't believe I had.

I'm not even sure what has made the difference or how I came to this realization. It might have been the elderly lady in the doctor's waiting room who asked (after watching and hearing about my struggles that day) asked, "How do you stay so upbeat?" Her question so stunned me because I thought I sounded like a whining little girl and yet she saw something in me I hardly saw myself. and as I kept thinking about that and I have heard the nurses response to my struggles in these two days I realize that there really is something different in me. Even saying so makes me feel like I'm being arrogant but that's not what I'm trying to be. But somehow, in the midst of this I am still content and I can't take credit for it, stop it or deny it.

I've had several moments in the past years of nearly leaving this planet and realizing days later that I nearly died without saying good bye. I was looking at some pictures tonight and remembering that more than one were pictures taken just 48 hours before I came close to dying and those pictures were nearly my "last" pictures.

The truth is, I'm no different than anyone else. Every day some father leaves home for work and doesn't come home. Every day a child somewhere loses a mother, a mother loses a daughter, a friend loses a friend. And most have no warning at all. The only difference is that eventually this body of mine will eventually stop "coming back" from that place I've come close to going several times before and I probably know what I will die from.

But still I am content. It's not that I've done everything I thought I would do in this life or that I've finished every project I meant to finish but that I know this is only the beginning - and what a beginning it has been. Next week I will turn 55 and you know there's a lot of people through the years that never thought I'd survive to be 25. But I did and wonderful things have happened during these 55 years.

I know I've said this before but I believe it bears repeating - seize the day friends. Because you never know.

I have a world of the most wonderful, loving brothers, sister, son, daughter-in-love, friends and even people I've never met and just thinking about you all makes me smile, laugh and cry all at the same time.

I certainly hope this is not my final blog. But even if it is I hope these words live on forever. There is but one hope for all of us and that is the reality that there is a God Who is sovereign, loving, all-knowing and Who reigns over absolutely everything and everyone. Therein is my everlasting hope and foundation and the reason for my contentment. I love Him and trust Him completely no matter what happens.

And, I love you - yes, YOU! I really do. Thank you for being a part of my world.

from MY heart,
Kathleen

A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD DAY

A TERRIBLE, HORRIBLE, NO-GOOD DAY

An Open Heart Journal
May 26, 2009
Back in the "Saddle" Again...

It started out as a regular visit to the cardiologist and ended up in Baylor Grapevine Hospital. But what took place in between has left me exhausted, frustrated and frankly, a little ticked.

Dr. Feingold was initially concerned when I described the amount of daily chest pain I have been experiencing and that a kidney specialist had put me on a medicine that had increased my edema and put me at risk for congestive heart failure.

When he said they needed to do a heart scan and a nuclear stress test I had no idea it would turn out being more painful than my heart attack in January. The tech said I would experience a feeling of my breath being taken away but it was worse than that - MUCH worse. It was so bad the tech ran for the doctor and when his assistant came in she immediately recognized me and wasn't surprised I was in such pain because in her words, "Oh, I know this case - her heart is a complete mess." Then I find out they have nothing to give me for the pain there in the office.

So they actually continued the test fo 12 more minutes. It took me a couple hours to recoup.

the doctor told me that there was "non-profusion" where my seven stents are (which means no blood flow) and that was causing the pain so he contacted the doctor who put in the stents. The agreed he would need to go back into the heart via a heart cath to see where the problem lies and try to fix it.

They were going to do the heart cath tomorrow but my kidneys are too close to being in kidney failure so they will have to give me certain IV meds tonight and tomorrow to buffer the kidneys so the dye doesn't due any more damage. My creatine levels (which show what level of kidney failure on a scale from 1 to 5) show I am at 2.8 which is Level 3. They have talked about starting dialysis if they get to 3.0.

I am not handling this return to the hospital with much grace right now. I'm frustrated, tired of being so fragile physically, and adamant that I am NOT here on my birthday next Thursday or miss my birthday celebration on Saturday.

I'm not really afraid of the Heart Cath as this doctor does an excellent job at them but I do understand since this is my fourth one it is getting more and more risky and this time my kidneys are in their worst shape thus far. AND I am already into congestive heart failure which the heart caths usually put me into afterwards.

Please pray - for NO complications, for an "easy fix" and I quick discharge.

From the heart - Shalom,
Kathleen

Making a Silent Difference

Making a Silent Difference

An Open Heart Journal
May 15, 2009
Someone is Watching - and Listening

This week I received an email from a stranger. And suddenly that stranger became a friend. It seems that a few years ago someone gave this stranger a box of CDs and tapes to use to distribute to people hurting, needing encouragement and needing to know the love of the Father. Hiding in the box were three tapes of Scriptures songs which I recorded in 1994-95. The tapes were given away at my church, at Women's Aglow meetings, churches and even hospitals. I never sold them and any contributions went right back into purchasing more tapes, cases, and the printing of the labels and lyric sheets. There were many nights my son and I sat in the front room cutting, folding, labeling and duplicating the four different tapes so I would always have plenty to give away. I estimate, from the number of blank tapes I went through, that between 1994 and 2003 over 1000 of each tape was given away. Frankly, I had no idea if even one was still being listened to - until Sunday.

I emailed my "stranger" back and explained that I hadn't recorded any more music since 1995 even though there was one more tape I have wanted to record but never had the opportunity. I then explained "where I've been" since September 2008 and the physical challenges I have been facing.

She emailed me back immediately overjoyed to have "found" me and asked me to call. That evening I called and listened to this dear lady, who I'd never met, tell how she received my tapes and that she had been listening to them nearly every night for over two years. She then told how she'd spent months trying to find me through my old church, through people listed in the acknowledgements of my lyric sheets and the Internet. She finally found my former husband who passed away in December and through a memorial page on the Internet found my son.

Frankly, I don't think I've ever had anyone actually LOOK for me. But not only had she been looking for me, she had been praying for me - and the most fervently since 2008 and in 2009. I was glad to know she was blessed by my music (not REALLY mine - it was all written by the Spirit) but I was even MORE blessed to know she had been praying for me.

I haven't though much about those tapes this year. My beautiful white guitar still sits in the corner of my bedroom but no longer does it get played for hours a day and the last time I "heard" a new song was over a year ago and it never really came to be sung, played or even finished. Unfortunately my lungs are weak, my fingers sore and stiff and sometimes I barely remember songs I sang hundreds of times during those years.

One night while laying in the hospital listening to my iPod I was surprised to suddenly hear my own voice in my ear and realized that somehow the sequence of music had shifted from the classical playlist to the downloads of my own tapes. I found myself hearing "Fear not, I am with you. Fear not, I am here. Fear not, I am with you and I will always be so be not afraid." I began to weep as the song continued telling me the very thing I needed to hear.

One of my favorite places to sing had always been in hospitals and I spent many days going from room to room singing Words of the Father over people who were sick, frightened and alone. Suddenly I was that person and the Lord secretly changed my iPod to remind me that I wasn't anymore alone than the people I had sung over a decade before.

So here I am, wishing I could do this, go there, see that and music I recorded in 1995 was ministering to someone who I'd never met. I really wasn't even sure how to respond. I am convinced, however, that it isn't so much that my voice (back then) was so beautiful or the melodies so grand but because the lyrics were right out of the Scriptures - the Living Word of God that penetrates our souls and reaches our spirits. All I ever wanted to do was to "psalm" over people - and put them at rest (and usually putting them to sleep as well.) I never wanted to make any money and even though I was often chided for giving the tapes away instead of selling them. I just never felt right about making a profit from something that had been freely given to me.

I do miss being able to play the guitar for hours like I once did and I do miss visiting the sick and hurting and watching a true shalom settle over them as the Word ministers to them. But for now I will try to accept this extended "Sabbatical" I seem to be on. Yes, I do sing, but only here in the privacy of my room - and only after the apartment is empty. But maybe one day I will be able to return to my "psalming" and even sing over the one place I've longed to sing over since recording my first song in 1994 - My Beloved Israel.

But today I know that I secretly made a difference - with a tape given away freely which made its way into a stranger's hands. And that stranger prayed for me - I think that is a GREAT return on my free tape!

I wonder what your "silent" difference will be in someone's life? No doubt you will make one whether positive or negative. And it's never too late to make it positive.

From the Heart,
Kathleen

p.s. I don't have the means to duplicate the tapes but I have transferred the tapes into my computer and can make a CD of each tape if anyone is interested. The only technical error is that it recorded each side of the tape as one long song so there are no breaks between the songs. On the other hand that is exactly how they were recorded so there would be 30 minutes of continued music and me reading Scriptures for each song. Feel free to email me if you would like a copy of: "Everlasting Love," "There is a Sanctuary," "Consider Jesus." or "Father's Heart."
Kathleen Gabrielle: lyghtekeeper@gmail.com

Re-Learning How to Live

Re-Learning How to Live

May 9, 2009

We're always getting ready to live, but never living.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Last night the simple task of putting sheets on my bed jolted me back to the reality that t I am living a very fragile life these days. One minute I was pulling on that fourth and final corner of the sheet and the next moment I'm sitting on the floor yelling for my roommate to get my Nitroglycerin spray.

Several sprays and slow deep breaths later the pounding in my chest slowed back down and I was ready to settle into the bed that my roommate finished making. She had been unaware that I was having to undo and remake the bed after the cleaning lady put my electric blanket underneath my sheets rather than on the top. And I only thought removing and remaking the bed would be tiring - not joltingly painful. Putting sheets on the bed has now been added to my ever growing list of "Don't ever do that again" activities.

Every day I am reminded of things I can no longer do. Commercials on TV for Six Flags sadly remind me I will never again ride a roller coaster. Seeing Lance Armstrong make another amazing comeback reminds me that i will never again feel the thrill of coasting down a mountain road on a racing bike. Watching someone else clean the apartment reminds me that I can't vacuum (which I actually love to do) or clean like I feel I should since I am just "sitting home doing nothing" while my roommate works 60+ hour weeks as a nurse. Last week a scary drive home in the dark showed me that my long distant (or even short distant) night drives that I once loved are now unnerving, blood pressure raising dangerous journeys.

I'm not writing all this to feel sorry for myself but to remind myself and anyone reading this that we all need to remember to "seize the day" that we have each and every day. Had I know three years ago that I was riding my last roller coaster I think I would have gone "just one more time" before leaving the park that day.

I've now been back home for a full month and I'm finding my energy is waning a little each day rather than increasing. Last week it took me three days to get out to the store when the week before I was able to get out to the store three times in one week. All the pep talks and telling myself to "Never, never, never give up!" can't make this tired body do something it simply cannot do.

There is so much I would love to do in the months to come. I long to visit friends - in south Texas, Tennessee, Indiana, Missouri and my siblings in Michigan and Arkansas. A few years ago I would have just driven there but my days of 6-12 hours of driving have ended. I want to go to the zoo, see the World Aquarium in Dallas, visit Shamu once more and learn to play golf.

I want to ride a horse, ride in a convertible with the top down, swim in the ocean, play in the snow, swing on a swing set and go down a slide. I would love to romp with a dozen beagle puppies, fish on a lake, ride, hike in the woods, take a spontaneous road trip, sail on a catamaran and walk on a mountainside. I would love to see the Grand Canyon, the trees of Washington State and the rock formations of Arizona.

But today I would just love to go someplace - any place that isn't Walmart or a doctor's office. I just want my world to get a little larger than this room I call home.

None of us really know what wonderful lives we have until suddenly a portion of that life is taken from us. If you can do something today that you would miss if you could never do it again then I challenge you to do it - do it today if you can. When I went to work on September 4th I had no idea I would be in the ER five hours later fighting for my life and entering the world of open heart surgery, heart caths, heart attacks and stents and months in the hospital.

So that one thing you've been putting off - stop putting it off. And even that one chore you really don't like doing but would miss the ability to do - do it like it might be your last time to do it.

Today I'm going to try to find just one thing to do that I haven't done in a long time but won't make my heart scream at me. Anyone up for a game of Scrabble?

From the Heart,
Kathleen

NOT AFRAID TO DIE BUT AFRAID TO LIVE

NOT AFRAID TO DIE BUT AFRAID TO LIVE

An Open Heart Journal
Living in the Valley of the Shadow of Death
April 20, 2009

TRAGEDY FUELS GOLFERS RECORD BIRDIE BLITZ
“Anthony Kim made Masters history on Friday with a record 11 birdies in his second round and said that reading about the death of baseball player Nick Adenhart had changed his mindset.

The Los Angeles Angels rookie pitcher was killed in a road accident in California on Thursday just hours after making his Major League Baseball season debut.

Kim, one year older at 23, said he had been upset after a disappointing opening 75 on Thursday but had put things into context after reading a newspaper report of Adenhart's death on Friday morning.

"The last line in the story was: 'You never know what can happen, even at 22. You have to live every moment of every day like it's your last.' “

In 2005, while living in a small town where television stations were as rare as snow shovels in Miami, I was “forced” to spend my weekends watching PGA golf while receiving my IV rounds of Amphotericin B or just resting from the affects of Histoplasmosis. Of course, my roommate called it “watching fresh paint dry” but I was finally beginning to understand the incredible science behind hitting a ball in such a way the golfer actually knew where it would land and where it would magically stop rolling. I found this ability very intriguing and my Saturdays that were once filled with walks, and enjoying gardening or yard work were taken by my sitting in the recliner watching men and women become my heroes of golfing prowess.

The morning I saw this opening headline I was immediately drawn to read about this record-breaking feat at the Masters which didn’t feature Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, or Vijay Singh. In fact, none of my favorites were even in the top ten right at this point. Instead this story was about a mostly unknown 23 year old golfer who “put things into perspective” after hearing about the death of a 22 year old baseball rookie.

Why was this article so important to me? Because it said what I’ve had to learn to do this week - to live each day to the best of my ability - like it’s my last - but to not be driven. There is delicate balance here and frankly I’m lousy at it.

When I first found out I had heart disease I thought I would make a comeback to rival all the other times in my life when I was told I would not survive. I went back to work just three weeks after my first bout with congestive heart failure and ended up back in the hospital and having open heart surgery. Then I returned home after the surgery only to discover I couldn’t make it across the room to the bathroom, couldn’t open the refrigerator by myself and couldn’t even make a peanut butter sandwich for myself. I was devastated and wondered if recovery really was even in my future. I know now I should have listened more to my roommate (a Cardiac RN) instead of my doctor when I made the decision to come home rather than go into a rehab facility.

Nearly two months later I was finally able to begin cardiac rehab and found myself back on the treadmill and exercise bike like “old times” but this time 5 minutes was a monumental goal. Then just one day after being released to drive again and return to work I was falling off the exercise bike after only three minutes and hearing nurses and EMTs shouting my name, shoving aspirin and nitroglycerin tablets into my mouth and being rushed to the ER with all the signs of a serious heart attack.

It has now been 31 days since I left the hospital after being in three different facilities over a three and half month period. I have one goal these days - have a “good” day. For me a “good” day is one where I’m not in the hospital and I’m alive. No more dreams of returning to 40 hour work weeks or 10 hour days. I’m not entering the Senior Olympics when I turn 55 in June and I’m not even thinking about returning to Cardiac Rehab. I have to focus on one thing right now - or I might not survive my next big “drive” to do more that I should.

The problem is that my mind hasn’t changed with my heart. And I have found myself trying to do more than my heart wants to do because my head says I’m not doing enough. I’m having to come to the painful truth that my head is a liar and is out to kill me. In fact the harsh reality is that my head would cause me to self-destruct if I let it. And I’ve not yet figured out how to make it shut up.

Example: This week I vacuumed my bedroom and that was okay. No furniture to move - just a basic square room. Then I cleaned the kitchen floor - again, very small area, not bad. But then I went to start the living room. This is a room where plants have been turned over, grandsons have eaten, the cat has - well, what older cats do - and it required the moving of a chair here, picking up a table here, etc. Within 30 seconds of moving the vacuum cleaner I was grabbing my chest and looking for a seat that wasn’t buried. I kept my cool, started breathing deep diaphramic breaths but the pain was a huge reminder that I wasn’t the same person who used to vacuum the entire apartment with ease. Fortunately I’ve come to understand the difference between my spasmodic heart pain and an actual heart attack but pain is pain and I didn’t like this at all.

It took nearly two hours before I was able to skim through vacuuming the room and put things back in order because I had to rest every two minutes of exertion. The last thing I wanted to do was tell my roommate what happened but when she asked how my day went that night my “Fine” wasn’t very convincing and she eventually heard the truth.

Three days later she finally scolded me for doing more than I am supposed to. And then she asked me two questions, “Are you afraid to die?” and “Are you afraid to live?”

the first question was an easy “no.” I’ve come close too many times just this year that it really didn’t scare me. But living - that’s a different story. All the tears I had been holding in all week came flooding and I began confessing that I had found myself afraid to make plans even for the present day let alone for a month from now. And that the joy of dreaming of a future had become a painful nightmare. I was torn between wanting to plan my 55 birthday party in June and afraid to make plans because I “might” end up in the hospital two days before the celebration and everything would go to waste.

You see, my closet is presently filled with all the makings for dozens of Christmas cookies that I never got to make. My “Birthday Book” has birthday cards for friends and family for January through April that I never got to send. I didn’t even get to vote in thee Presidential Election because while on the way to the Early Voting Poll I ended up in the hospital! My mental “Day Runner” is filled with things I never got to do because a trip to the hospital got in the way.

I’ve come to a place that most heart patients come to - afraid to live. Unfortunately my response to this fear is to do the very opposite of what I should. I returned to my “driven” ways in order to make myself feel productive and useful. I cannot seem to grasp the concept of “rest” and in not doing so I could easily end up in the very place I’m trying to avoid.

For me, learning to rest, comes from realizing one thing - I am not my own and my life is not my own. When I have spoken about my close encounters with death (to the point of finding myself standing next to myself watching nurses trying to “bring me back.”) I have been asked “were you tempted to not come back?” My answer has been, “I didn’t have a choice. It wasn’t my decision to make.”

I am here because God has kept me here - not because I willed myself to be here. And I need to keep THAT in mind when it comes to how I treat this life I’ve been given.
My roommate told me that the doctor who put in my seven stents said he only had one hope for me after my heart attack in January - that he could somehow give me “good” days. And that is what I need to aim for each morning. “Good” days are when I can take care of my personal needs, maybe drive myself to the store, tend to the cat, and write a few more paragraphs. This doesn’t sound like much but it’s a lot more than those in the medical profession who have seen my heart thought I would be doing.

Living this way is the opposite of what the world says is success and even some of my friends would rather see the overly optimistic overcoming attitude they’ve seen in me in the past. But I have to deny myself that way of life. Why? Because I need to be content with one thing right now - having “good” days. Days where the pain in my chest is somewhat tolerable, days when I am home and not in the hospital, days when I accomplish just one thing above and beyond the five “must do to live” things required every day.

This might not sound all that encouraging to you and might not seem like I have that same overcoming spirit I’ve displayed in the past. You might even be thinking I need a little more “conquering” spirit. But I now know there is one thing that I need more than a conquering spirit and that is contentment. It is contentment and rest where my life needs to be. And as long as I can be content with “good” days I won’t find myself doing things that will put me back in bed or into the hospital.

I wonder if this is where Paul had found himself when he said “I’ve learned that no matter what state I am in to be content.” So today on my “To Do” list is one more important item: “Be content.” Maybe if I put it on my list I will remember to do it. And if I put it on the list everyday I might just reach a place where I do it without being reminded. I could be content with that.

From the heart,
Kathleen

Dayenu - A Passover Lesson in "It is Enough!"

Dayenu - A Passover Lesson in "It is Enough!"

An Open Heart Journal
Living /Each Day Better Than the One Before
April 13, 2009

I had an appointment with my cardiologist today which was very good. It was the first time for him to see me since February and he was quite amazed at how well I looked and am feeling. It felt great to go and also return home on the same day without stopping at the hospital. It is now Day 24 of being out of the hospital and today's appointment seemed to confirm that "so far, so good." There is one word to describe how I really feel - content. Is my blood pressure still high - yes, and often on a daily basis - but the amount of medication need to bring it down will certainly make me a zombie which is NOT an option for me. Do I still have chest pains? - yes, but now I've learned to handle them without panicking. Am I seriously limited in my daily activities - oh, you bet, but I don't stress over 20 item "to do" lists anymore and stay content with just my "Big Five" and rejoice when something can be added. The following is one example of how I am learning to live one day at a time and one moment at a time in this hectic, driven world.
Kathleen

====================================================

DAYENU!

This year my favorite part of the Passover Seder came during what used to seem the most tedious and boring - the recitation of the "Dayenu." In Hebrew "Dayenu" means "It is enough." Now, this is NOT the "I've had enough, and I'm not going to take it anymore" thinking. It literally means, if nothing else happens, what just took place is enough.

In the Passover this phrase is said after each of 15 steps it took to remove the Children of Israel from Egypt. It literally goes like this..."If You (God) had only brought us to the Red Sea but not parted it - DAYENU!" and everyone in the room shouts"Dayenu" and slapping their hand on the table for emphasis. This happens 15 times (or more if the Seder is a "Messianic" Seder where Yeshua is recognized as the Passover Lamb and Messiah) and is usually followed by singing the song also called, "Dayenu."

But the reality is that for most of us the idea of "Dayenua" almost absurd. Who, in their right mind is going to say, "If You had only parted the Red Sea but not let us go through it, it would have been enough" ?

Think about one thing thing that God has done for you this year. And then go back just one step away from that one thing's completion. Could you honestly say something like, "If You (God) had only brought me to the hospital in time but not let the doctor's save my life, it would have been enough." Now I do realized that had He NOT saved your life you wouldn't be saying anything at all - but I'm just trying to make Hebrew point in the midst of our insanely Greek thinking.

In what areas can you right now tell God, "It is (or would have been) enough?" This is truly the Hebrew version of, "It is well with my soul."

I have figured out my Dayenu and I was so reminded of it during this Passover I found myself shouting "Dayenu" louder and with more meaning than in the past 12 Seders I have attended.

My "Dayenu" is this..."If You (God) brought me through the surgeries and never heal my heart, it is enough." Now I know that won't sit well with many of you but Ihear me out. I'm not saying God can't or won't heal my heart nor am I saying to stop praying for the healing of my heart. But right now I am doing this one thing - living with whatever heart I have and right now that's proving to be successful. If I have just one thing to focus on it is to have more "good" days than bad ones. Whatever God wants to do and whenever He wants to do it is up to Him and not me and I have chosen to be content right where I am.

The truth is that everyone in the medical profession who has either seen my heart up close and personal or simply read my medical records is totally amazed I'm doing anything at all let alone, walking, driving, shopping and living! On paper I look dead! But here I am. I'm not running a marathon, in fact I'm not even walking on a treadmill, but I AM walking and I am alive and I am having GOOD days. And you know what? - that is DAYENU!

My daily goals are very simple - to do the five things I have to do everyday which are essential to my physical well being and maybe add just one or two more activities. I'm not driving myself to clean the whole apartment - I'm content to be able to clean one shelf or one drawer or simply iron one shirt. Why? Because I am simply content to have a "good" day. Some days I end up doing even more than the doctors think I can do and there is really no natural explanation - but God. He can and does strengthen me to do more even though my heart is just as sick today as it was yesterday. To me THAT is a miracle and it truly is "Dayenu."

Yes, I DO believe God heals - I experienced it first hand having been the first Baptist girl I knew healed from a wheelchair during a 15 minute nap. And please, do not tell me that my "dayenu" attitude is going to keep me from being healed this time. The truth is, I've had this same attitude for the majority of my life and never knew there was a word for it. I even had it the very day I laid down to take a nap with my entire body wracked with the pain of Lupus and I woke up completely whole.

It is 'Dayenu" that brings me to tell God, "I still trust You...no matter how far You bring me or even where You leave me."

Friends, we are living in a day when not everything we have been taught about God is playing out for us and His absolute Sovereignty in everything is being presented to us in what may appear to be painful and frightening ways. But it does not have to be painful OR frightening. We need to cling to one thing - that not only IS God Sovereign, but He is forever loving - even in the midst of His Sovereignty. Somehow the Children of Israel already knew this and they were instructed to pass this understanding down from one generation to another.

It might not "feel" good but I believe we all need a little, "Dayenu" in our lives today. And for those who know the melody, try singing the song, Dayenu, as a song of true worship to the One Who is truly in control, loves you and will bring you into His Kingdom when it is truly "all said and done,"

DAYENU!!

Kathleen

Three Heart Cries - Three Musical Answers

Three Heart Cries - Three Musical Answers

An Open Heart Journal
Living Each Day Better than the One Before
April 3, 2009

Three Heart Cries - Three Musical Answers

Music has been a major part of my life since I was a little girl. My Father collected records - mostly classical music with a little Herb Albert thrown in and he would quiz me to identify songs by their title, composer and dates while at the dinner table or while watching a television program that used classical music in the background. I didn’t get it right the first time but I worked hard to get it right the second. Music has made me smile, cry, and even choose life over death on more than one occasion. When I’m in pain or going through a long medical test that requires me to lie still for long periods I play the Alphabet Game which I learned from comedian Chonda Pierce. You start with the letter “A” and sing at least one hymn for each letter of the alphabet. I rarely finish but just the attempt always calms this little Baptist heart and mind that memorized much of the Baptist Hymnal during the 69’s and 70’s. Twice in the past the Lord has used a wonderfully talented songwriter/singer to touch my heart and yesterday He did it a third time.

In 1984 when I thought I might never live to see my only son grow up a song called “The Warrior is a Child” played on the radio while I was carefully driving myself home after a long day and discouraging day with the doctor. I turned on the radio just in time to hear these words...

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

©Twila Paris “The Warrior is a Child” 1984

I was so touched by the song I had to pull over just to cry. I remember going to the Christian bookstore instead of home just to find this album which was brand new at the time. I even wrote Twila and met her both at a concert in Dallas and once again at the same Christian bookstore so I could tell her thank you. More than one of her songs reached my heart and I was very grateful. I used several of her songs when I visited patients at a local Cancer treatment hospital to sing to them in their rooms.

A few years later I found myself a single mom fighting for custody of my son and feeling like I was losing in every area of my life. I was so suicidal that I knew I shouldn’t be alone so I drove to a friend’s house. While on my way there I turned on the radio just in time to hear Twila’s familiar voice singing these words...
For the young abandoned husband
Left alone without a reason
For the pilgrim in the city where there is no home
For the son without a father
For his solitary mother
I have a message
He sees you. He knows you
He loves you. He loves you
Chorus
Every heart that is breaking tonight
Is the heart of a child that He holds in His sight
And Oh how He longs to hold in His arms
Every heart that is breaking tonight

©Twila Paris “Every Heart that is Breaking Tonight” 1989

Once again, I pulled the car over and wept. I swore I heard Twila say my name as she sang “He sees you, He knows you...” and I knew that taking my life was not what He wanted for me or my son. Just a few weeks later I sang that song in church and only one other person understood the real impact of those words on my heart and life.

Yesterday, the Lord used the same artist while I was driving on the same road and spoke to me so clearly with the promise that He has not forgotten me. This was the first “long” drive I had made in many, many months and I was headed back to my son’s house after running several errands in my own home area. I was happily listening to my iPod through my radio when interference made hearing the music impossible. I switched stations and in just a matter of seconds heard Twila singing...”When you think your dream has died - He has not forgotten you. When your body aches from trying - He has not forgotten you.” This time I wasn’t able to pull the car over but I wept because it was as if she was singing words right from my deepest heart cries that very morning.

Here is what the first half of the song says:


When you think your dream has died
He has not forgotten you
When your body aches from trying
He has not forgotten you
When you worry for tomorrow
even though the sky is blue
See the sun is shining
And He has not forgotten you

When your life feels like December
He has not forgotten you
When it's painful to remember
He has not forgotten you
When it seems you cannot live
And there is not much let to lose
He has got a plan
He has not forgotten you

And hope will spring eternal
in the home of those who know
That loving eyes will follow
everywhere we go
Even in the darkness
His promises are true
Keep this in your heart
He has not forgotten you

He is faithful
He is present
He is listening
He is love

©Twila Paris “Not Forgotten” 2009

This album was just released in February and is titled “Small Sacrifice” and I encourage you to find it and listen. These are songs with a message for most of us today that find ourselves facing things we never thought we would be facing. Twila has spoken to the Body once again with purpose and encouragement in a way no one else can.

And so my heart, though tired and in pain, physically and emotionally, is clinging to the promise that He has NOT forgotten me. Yes, my life feels like December and many times in the past weeks I wondered if there was anything else I could lose. But there is still this underlying hope that HE has not forgotten me.

My hope for you is that you will know that He has not forgotten you. It’s not just lyrics from a song. It’s promise in His Word and sealed even with the blood of His own Son. As we enter the season of Passover and First Fruits (Resurrection of our Savior) let us remember that not only our salvation but our life here and in eternity has been bought, paid for and sealed by the promised Messiah and His death and resurrection. This is no trite promise - it is a guarantee that “He has NOT forgotten you.”

From the Heart,
Kathleen